Worrying

I've never stopped worrying since I first saw blood in my poo. Admittedly, some worry is far worse than other worry but worrying goes with the territory of either thinking you could have cancer or being told you have cancer. It's hard to deal with. Waiting causes severe worry and then when you are no longer waiting, you worry again.

I finally got the phone call today from my oncologist's secretary. She's always very to the point. He wants to see me at 9AM tomorrow. She won't answer any other questions, 'I'm only his secretary, I can't answer medical questions'.

So what does this mean. Well for me, it means that, as I've never had a phone call from them as early as 11.30AM before, I am thinking that mine must be the most serious case and the consultant wants to see me first.  Nothing anyone says will make me think differently. They fact that I'm first in the following morning has sent me into a huge panic.

Is the waiting now over I wonder. Will I go in tomorrow and be told I have to have surgery the following week or will they say they will let me know and I end up hanging around again.  I really don't know what will happen but that won't stop me thinking what might happen.  I don't know what to expect tomorrow. I don't know how good or bad things will be but I'm braced for the worst with my glass half empty as always.

It's been 3 weeks since the MRI scan. It seems like months.  I wonder if they know jus how terrible it all is for the patients who have to endure waiting to hear.  They actually tell you the waiting is the worst but I'm sure they have absolutely no concept what so ever of what that wait is actually like.

I'll know my fate tomorrow.  I'm glad to get to this point but I still don't want to hear the news.