I'm really fed up. Since having the MRI scan a couple of weeks ago I've heard nothing at all. On the day of the MRI, I rang one of the cancer nurses and left a message for her as she had asked that I let her know that I had managed to go through with the scan this time. Later that day one of the other nurses called back to say that she would look out for the scans arriving (probably the following Monday) and would make sure my case was down to be discussed by the team the following Wednesday. It's difficult a few days before these meeting trying to keep things together as it's too easy to imagine awful things. Usually what happens after the meeting is I get a phone call asking me to see the consultant the following morning. This didn't happen. I rang the nurses but was told that the MRI scans hadn't arrived and so it would be the following week before my case was discussed. This is all very difficult to deal with when it has already been 11 months since I first saw signs of blood in my poo. This in itself is dreadfully shocking and it's impossible not to continue looking for blood on a daily basis. This will be with me forever as I will never stop looking.
Frustratingly, no one seems to be in any rush for answers but me.
Knowing that my case was going to be discussed yesterday, I had another few bad days worrying about the outcome. Dreams are vivid and range from upsetting to weird to joyful. But no phone call came. Against my better judgement and knowing I was making a nuisance of myself, I rang the nurses again only to be told that my case wasn't down to be discussed as the MRI scans still hadn't come back. Apparently, the scans are sent out to third party companies to be assessed and returned and mine hadn't yet been returned. No one seemed to know who had the scans or how long they might take to come back. To say I'm fed up is an understatement. To say I'm angry is closer, annoyed, very much so and pissed off.. yes, so very very pissed off.
I was told I would get a phone call today. I won't be holding my breath and even if I do I know that it will be next week before anyone sees me. I can't help thinking that if I had been seen quicker last year whether all of this would be over now.
I feel sorry for myself for the first time. I don't like to feel this way and I don't like to admit it. I feel let down by just about everything and everybody. My husband doesn't want to discuss anything about cancer or the possible consequences. He has a positive outlook on everything and so just thinks I'm being a drama queen. He took early retirement last March. The plan was to spend more time together as 'none of us know how long we have got left'. He does a bit of consultancy work here and there and he's booked something this month which takes him away from home so I'm left wondering if I could be in hospital during this time. Am I being selfish worrying I'll be on my own? What if I'm having chemo then. It's all what if's I know but I'm the only one with any of these thoughts it seems. Everyone else seems to think I'll get the all clear when the MRI results are finally revealed but I can't be positive. The pain in my left side is still there, worse if anything. Would it still be there if there was nothing wrong I wonder.
Today, I feel let down by absolutely everyone. I'll feel bad even saying this tomorrow but the cold facts are I'm pretty much on my own with this.
2 comments:
I know it feels like it, and yes, having cancer does put you apart from those around you, but you aren't alone. Always here for a rant or a moan or even a laugh on the days that is possible. I won't say it gets easier because it doesn't really but you do quickly adapt to a new normal. You have to - there are even moments in the day when I no longer think about having cancer - I picked up a copy of a book by a young neurosurgeon who died of lung cancer to browse in Waterstones today and something he said struck a chord - that until he died, he was still living. As hard as it is, you have to just live each day as best and as full as you can.
Hopefully someone pulls their finger out over the scan. Even just knowing exactly where it is at and a genuine date for a follow up would help x
Thanks.. such a comforting comment, I appreciate it. xx
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