The dreaded MRI appointment has finally come through. Its for Wednesday at 5PM. I assume I am last in because I made a bit of a scene last time. Embarrassing. I've now got 5 days to worry about just how I'm going to get through that bloody scanner! What happens if I can't go through with it again? How will they ever find out where the cancer is and what my options are? It's such an important thing to have done so I have to do my best, I know this but the fear is still at the back of my mind.
Met up with some friends last night. Drank champagne and had a laugh. It's lovely to be in the company of people that make me forget about my cancer woes. I walked home in my slippers carrying my Ugg boots. A few steps down the lane and it all came flooding back to me. It's always there waiting to pop back to the front of my thoughts. I try not to think about it but it's so difficult. Sitting in the car overlooking the sea every day, I can't help asking myself if I will be looking at this view this time next year. Will I be paddling in the summer like last year? Why do I torture myself so much. I can't do that 'take one step at a time' crap at all, I have to make myself think the worst and frighten the bejasus out of myself!
One of my friends is a staff nurse and works at the hospital I will have to go to if I need surgery. She keeps telling me she will call in on me often and get the other nurses to look after me. I guess I should feel happy and comforted by this but I actually feel really upset about it. I don't want her calling in on me seeing me at my worst! I don't really want my family to see me like it! It feels such a huge thing in my life and I woke up worrying about it this morning. In the whole scheme of things, does it really matter if she sees me with no make up, my hair a mess and possibly having lost a bridged tooth? It really does matter to me right now!!! In fact, the thought of this has actually put the much larger issue that I have cancer into second place at the moment! I mean, a gap in my teeth?!! Horrific!
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