The worst thing has been trying to deal with severe anxiety (I know I've gone on about this before) which I really DO think was partly brought on by my cancer diagnosis.I feel bad even saying that because I know so far, I have been one of the lucky ones. I still go back to hospital every 6 months to see the cancer nurses and I have had further MRI and CT scans with more to come in February, but these are just checks at the moment. They are keeping an eye on everything. Does it make me feel better? I'm certainly in a better place than I was this time last year. Better? No. My life has changed. I'm frightened and anxious in equal measures. The anxiety started earlier this year when the scans and appointments started up again. Waiting for phone calls was just too much to cope with. I think it was because of how bad that wait had been last year and I just pre-empted everything. Those withheld calls started coming in where you know it's the hospital and dreading what they will say. I would't wish those feelings on anyone.
It started off quite well. I had the MRI and CT scan on the same day and then a week later I saw the cancer nurses. I was told that the CT scan results were back and they were clear so that was extremely good news. I was shown the computer screen where the MRI result would be and was told that had yet to come back but they said, had it come back, they would be able to tell me the results. I had a blood test that day to check for bowel cancer pointers. The following week the nurse rang me as promised and said that the blood test was fine - all good! I asked about the MRI scan and was told it had come back but hadn't been checked so they couldn't tell me anything. This threw me into a panic because the previous week I was told they COULD tell me so the next half an hour consisted of me having the worst sort of panic attack where I convinced myself that there was something serious on the MRI scan and that was the reason they were avoiding having a conversation with me. I rang the cancer nurse back and explained I was worried after being told they would tell me on the phone. Apparently the nurse I usually deal with wasn't there, it was Friday at 4PM and my consultant wasn't in the building. I would have to wait a week. By now I was really stressing. 10 minutes later the nurse rang back, said she had seen my consultant in the corridor and he had quickly checked my MRI and it was fine. I was of course relieved but it all seemed odd. The consultant wasn't in the building half an hour ago and now, in the middle of a corridor he had been able to assess my MRI scan? Whatever the reasons, I was glad to get the results.
The anxiety continued though. It was difficult to live a normal day and I didn't really know why. I was a cow during this time and I don't know how my husband put up with it because he was really the only person who fully knew about it and he bore the brunt of it. I DID tell a friend and a relative but both went missing as they had done when I got my original diagnosis. Lesson learned this time though. I won't be confiding in either again.
Back in December, my beloved Westie, Maisy, had to be put to sleep. She was 16. She had been with me through good and bad times and I felt had been my only friend at some points in my life. I loved her. Although I knew the end was close and she had not been well, it was still hard to deal with her loss and I took it very badly. Looking back, I think losing her was probably more the cause of my severe anxiety and the cancer checks just added to it all. I can honestly say a day has not gone by in that 10 months where I haven't thought about her and I could count on my one hand the days I haven't actually cried. It has been like losing a family member which of course, is exactly what is it. I will miss her until the day I die. It's been hard living without her but I won't be having another dog. I cannot replace her and wouldn't wish to. The one thing that I really couldn't deal with during my initial diagnosis was the thought of dying and leaving Maisy behind. She will be my last dog. However, the happiest time of my life was walking her for miles in the countryside. We had the best of times Maisy and me. I look back knowing she couldn't have had a better life than the one we gave her and I also know my life was much better for having her in it. Yes, I'm still devastated by her loss and it's been so hard dealing with it, but she deserves to be missed. She also deserves more than a paragraph in this blog, but it's upsetting me so much and I can't see through all the tears.
She will be running in those cornfields forever.
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