Back On The Treadmill

I'm upset. I shouldn't be at this point but I am. I had a phone call about a month ago asking me to go in to see my consultants second in command. It rocked me a bit, I wasn't expecting it, but the person on the phone said they were contacting everyone who had an outstanding colonoscopy appointment and I was one of them. I knew I was, it was due  back in February but with NHS cuts and the huge backlog, I was told it would take longer.

I didn't know what to expect really. I hoped that I'd get there and would be told that because the MRI and CT scans were satisfactory back in February, no colonoscopy was needed.  It didn't go that way at all.

The consultant told me that everyone was being seen who was waiting for a colonoscopy to assess whether one was actually needed. Oh good I thought, maybe I DO get a reprieve, before he went on to say that, in my case, I definitely needed one. I was disappointed.   He said that, as I have been previously diagnosed with cancer, it had to be checked.  I explained that I didn't manage to have the last colonoscopy due to the excruciating pain. I hoped this would mean he would book me in for a colonography instead. The prep is still needed for this and the procedure isn't great, but it's far better to cope with than a colonoscopy. 

He checked through my records. He read through what he had written after my last colonoscopy. "You definitely won't be able to have a colonoscopy without being put under local anaesthetic" he said. "I have made a note that, the pain was so severe that I felt I would never be able to do a successful colonoscopy on you so you will need to go down to theatre and be knocked out".  I've struggled with this all day since. Firstly, I'm terrified something will be found, of course I am, I've been here before. Secondly,  I don't want to be knocked out (although not having the pain is a bonus) because this is like an operation in itself and I may well need to stay in hospital overnight.  Not great, but I'm starting to get my head around it and I will have to do it whatever, so there is no point complaining.  Apparently, if I was in England I could be given a great drug which would knock me out during a normal routine colonoscopy. No theatre, no sickness or feeling ill afterwards, just knocked our for 10 minutes and then home.  NHS Wales do not offer this.  I could have it done privately at a cost of £14,500.  This is massive money and £12,000 more that a colonoscopy would generally cost so I can only assume the huge money is the cost of the wonderful drug.  So that's not going to happen.

The dreaded Prep. I've had several now and I absolutely cannot face it, but I'll have to. The waiting around for the phone calls afterwards, I absolutely cannot face it, but I'll have to.  The thought of being told I have cancer again, I absolutely cannot face it.. but again I will have to man up and do all of these things.  It won't be easy.