I had built myself up in to a right old state for the colonoscopy I had this week. In fact, had I read the letter properly when it came from the hospital I would have known I was having a sigmoidoscopy and not a colonoscopy. I would have also known that the top man himself was going to do the procedure so I'm glad I didn't see this until the night before because I would have assumed he was concerned about something he had seen on my MRI scans and wanted to check for himself. I also didn't know the appointment was at a completely different hospital so it's a good job I took the trouble to look.
A sigmoidoscopy is not as bad as a colonoscopy in my opinion. However, the last one I had was nevertheless painful and I wasn't looking forward to it.
I had started to drink the prep the night before as instructed. I can actually just about stomach the taste, it's not great but I manage. That is until the last glass.. by then my gag reflex kicks in and I struggle to keep it all down.
The whole process is a struggle. The fact that the constant trips to the loo keep you from leaving the house for the best part of 24 hours is hard work. It's not that you can go for a walk or go out in the car to help take your mind off the procedure the next day, you are just stuck in the loo with your thoughts. Added to that, no food for 24 hours (or more) and the fact that the constant trips to the loo are actually quite exhausting, it doesn't make for a great experience and the huger and weakness are unpleasant.
The following morning at 6AM I had to take the second lot of Prep.
I'd recommend that anyone having either the sigmoidoscopy or colonoscopy use vaseline or sudocrem on their backside before taking the first Prep and to continue using it after every toilet visit thereafter. I had read this advice online but didn't bother to follow it for my first procedure back in October. Needless to say, my bottom was so sore I could barely even wipe it after a few hours because the stinging and soreness had gone through the roof.
The magic eye used in the procedures hurt when inserted but only because of the sore bottom. I have the added joyfulness of having piles which had inflamed with all the toilet visits and they too were painful. The stinging sensation from soap was like vinegar in the eye. It stung a lot. No doubt everyone's experiences will be different though.
The actual procedure this time was all but painless. I've read about other people's experiences where they have said they had little or no pain but I couldn't believe it after the excruciating pain I had with my first colonoscopy and I certainly had far more pain with the previous sigmoidoscopy. I assume now that this is down to the person doing the procedure. I chatted to the nurses all the way through and I couldn't have done that before. The pain previously has been like giving birth and the only words I could have spat our would have been swear words. They offer gas and air and a sedative but I had neither on this occasion.. as mentioned in previous posts, the sedative doesn't work on me and I was too afraid to have gas and air because I behave like a drunk teenager and swear an awful lot.
The oncologist would never know how his warm words calmed me but I'm grateful to him for them "how are you my lovely".. During the procedure, he struggled to find the site where the cancerous polyp had been removed from. He eventually found something that he assumed must be it as there was a lack of anything else that could be an option. There were no cancerous spores. I was too afraid to be happy at this information initially because I didn't know what else they were looking for. No mention was made of the three lymph nodes that were found on the MRI back in February and I didn't feel able to ask about them. I don't have to go back for 12 months. This was the best I could have ever hoped for. I'm sure anyone having the same problems as me would grab at the chance of having a cancerous polyp removed and there being no sign of cancer 3 months later. I don't know whether there will be any sign of it in 12 months, no one could possibly know. I'd like to say that I feel wonderful but I don't. I am happy, of course I am but the whole ordeal lives on in my mind and I wake up in a cold sweat, I get night terrors and I'm struggling to get rid of the cancer diagnosis in my mind. I'm sure it will pass. I hope it does.
Friday, 14 April 2017
Tuesday, 4 April 2017
Horses and Cannabis
Well I feel shitter than the shittest of shit things. It's totally not cancer related. In some ways I wish it was because I can probably deal with it better than I can deal with animal cruelty.
There are some horses a mile or so from us that seem to look more neglected by the day. Animals are my *thing*. I love them. Since moving to Wales the one thing I have been unable to cope with is the amount of neglected horses.
I've been a moody cow since last week. That IS cancer related. Well, the 'worry of cancer' related at least. It's knocked me sideways being asked to go back for a colonoscopy so quickly. I'm not in the best frame of mind. Needless to say, I've made my husband's life a misery by being snappy and I've been weepy. I haven't cried about cancer, but I've cried about everything else. As I've said before, I'm a cryer....it's one of my main hobbies.
The horse situation came to a head about 2 weeks ago. They are in a field but they are often neglected. Over the winter, the odd bale of silage has appeared complete with tight plastic covering which the horses have had to bite off to get at the food. They have got thinner and thinner. The plastic is strewn all over the field from every bale of silage they have had over the past 6 years, there is no grass. I bought a bag of pony nuts to feed the horses but I'm always a bit wary of bumping into the owner and being told off. I've heard he is not to be messed with so I'd rather not bloody mess with him quite frankly. I was also told by a horse charity that the RSPCA will not consider it urgent if the horses are being fed, even if they are being fed by concerned individuals and not the owner.
I took carrots last week (the ones I've stopped juicing!). One of the horses took to lying down a lot and I feared it wasn't well. I thought it may have eaten some of the plastic. Today, I have taken them pony nuts and when one of the other horses pushed the 'sick' pony away, it fell over and couldn't get back up it was so weak. It made an awful noise as it hit the floor. I can't get the sound out of my mind. It was so upsetting and I just couldn't stop crying. I decided I couldn't watch and hope someone else would get involved any longer and I rang a horse welfare organisation. They were closed so I left a message for them to call me back tomorrow. On driving back past the horses, we pulled over to see if the sick pony was OK and a woman approached the car with 'RSPCA' on her jacket. The cavalry! Yes, I thought, someone has got more balls than me and has reported it. She asked if they were our horses. I couldn't have been more offended if she had rubbed horse shite in my face. I started to tell her of the horses plight but her phone rang, a vet apparently, and she had to dash off.
The sick pony has now been taken from the field. I'm relieved. The other three remain. I'm gutted. I've since been told that the owner was on TV having been prosecuted for leaving horses in a barn to starve to death. So this is it boys, this is war. That's the last time I wait and see if someone else has stood up for the horses. I support a local horse charity and I contacted them last week. Initially they didn't seem too concerned but I've told them of today's events and they have said that now that the horses are on the radar, none of this will happen again as they will monitor it. Believe it or not, you can buy a horse these day for £5. People buy them and then cannot afford to feed them and so they end up in the most miserable situation. They deserve so much better than my tears.
I've asked so many people about the horses that I fully expect the angry owner knocking on my door at some point. He's way down on the list of things bothering me right now.
I think I've got anxiety. It's a self diagnosis, well, not quite, it was with the help of Jeremy Vine and his radio 2 show yesterday! I've previously thought I was just a bit mad but after hearing people describe their anxiety symptoms, I realised that I have most, if not all of them. This became more apparent today when my husband was trying to park between two cars on the supermarket car park and I almost had a nervous breakdown. I cried again. It was probably the worst anxiety I have felt and it was over something and nothing. People on the radio were saying they had taken cannabis to help with the symptoms but the doctor on the show said it was a bad idea as it makes you anxious. I've never smoked and I would worry about cannabis side effects. I knew someone who grew some in the garden once and her rabbit ate it. She couldn't take the rabbit to the vets for fear of the police finding out (I'm going back about 30 years when it wasn't as tolerated as now) so the rabbit spent 2 days rolling around the garden like Dylan from the Magic Roundabout.
Years ago we lived quite close to some Hells Angels. I know, I paint a very idyllic picture! They invited us round to a bonfire party they threw for the local community every year. I looked after elderly people at the time and they told us to take some of them along, which we did. Upon arrival, we were told not to let the older people have the stew. It had cannabis in it. They could have the jacket potatoes and any of the other food available. Unfortunately, the old dears didn't listen to me saying not to have the stew and ladled it into dishes. I don't know how we got them home. Fortunately, it seemed to do them some good as they all said they hadn't had such a good night's sleep in years.
There are some horses a mile or so from us that seem to look more neglected by the day. Animals are my *thing*. I love them. Since moving to Wales the one thing I have been unable to cope with is the amount of neglected horses.
I've been a moody cow since last week. That IS cancer related. Well, the 'worry of cancer' related at least. It's knocked me sideways being asked to go back for a colonoscopy so quickly. I'm not in the best frame of mind. Needless to say, I've made my husband's life a misery by being snappy and I've been weepy. I haven't cried about cancer, but I've cried about everything else. As I've said before, I'm a cryer....it's one of my main hobbies.
The horse situation came to a head about 2 weeks ago. They are in a field but they are often neglected. Over the winter, the odd bale of silage has appeared complete with tight plastic covering which the horses have had to bite off to get at the food. They have got thinner and thinner. The plastic is strewn all over the field from every bale of silage they have had over the past 6 years, there is no grass. I bought a bag of pony nuts to feed the horses but I'm always a bit wary of bumping into the owner and being told off. I've heard he is not to be messed with so I'd rather not bloody mess with him quite frankly. I was also told by a horse charity that the RSPCA will not consider it urgent if the horses are being fed, even if they are being fed by concerned individuals and not the owner.
I took carrots last week (the ones I've stopped juicing!). One of the horses took to lying down a lot and I feared it wasn't well. I thought it may have eaten some of the plastic. Today, I have taken them pony nuts and when one of the other horses pushed the 'sick' pony away, it fell over and couldn't get back up it was so weak. It made an awful noise as it hit the floor. I can't get the sound out of my mind. It was so upsetting and I just couldn't stop crying. I decided I couldn't watch and hope someone else would get involved any longer and I rang a horse welfare organisation. They were closed so I left a message for them to call me back tomorrow. On driving back past the horses, we pulled over to see if the sick pony was OK and a woman approached the car with 'RSPCA' on her jacket. The cavalry! Yes, I thought, someone has got more balls than me and has reported it. She asked if they were our horses. I couldn't have been more offended if she had rubbed horse shite in my face. I started to tell her of the horses plight but her phone rang, a vet apparently, and she had to dash off.
The sick pony has now been taken from the field. I'm relieved. The other three remain. I'm gutted. I've since been told that the owner was on TV having been prosecuted for leaving horses in a barn to starve to death. So this is it boys, this is war. That's the last time I wait and see if someone else has stood up for the horses. I support a local horse charity and I contacted them last week. Initially they didn't seem too concerned but I've told them of today's events and they have said that now that the horses are on the radar, none of this will happen again as they will monitor it. Believe it or not, you can buy a horse these day for £5. People buy them and then cannot afford to feed them and so they end up in the most miserable situation. They deserve so much better than my tears.
I've asked so many people about the horses that I fully expect the angry owner knocking on my door at some point. He's way down on the list of things bothering me right now.
I think I've got anxiety. It's a self diagnosis, well, not quite, it was with the help of Jeremy Vine and his radio 2 show yesterday! I've previously thought I was just a bit mad but after hearing people describe their anxiety symptoms, I realised that I have most, if not all of them. This became more apparent today when my husband was trying to park between two cars on the supermarket car park and I almost had a nervous breakdown. I cried again. It was probably the worst anxiety I have felt and it was over something and nothing. People on the radio were saying they had taken cannabis to help with the symptoms but the doctor on the show said it was a bad idea as it makes you anxious. I've never smoked and I would worry about cannabis side effects. I knew someone who grew some in the garden once and her rabbit ate it. She couldn't take the rabbit to the vets for fear of the police finding out (I'm going back about 30 years when it wasn't as tolerated as now) so the rabbit spent 2 days rolling around the garden like Dylan from the Magic Roundabout.
Years ago we lived quite close to some Hells Angels. I know, I paint a very idyllic picture! They invited us round to a bonfire party they threw for the local community every year. I looked after elderly people at the time and they told us to take some of them along, which we did. Upon arrival, we were told not to let the older people have the stew. It had cannabis in it. They could have the jacket potatoes and any of the other food available. Unfortunately, the old dears didn't listen to me saying not to have the stew and ladled it into dishes. I don't know how we got them home. Fortunately, it seemed to do them some good as they all said they hadn't had such a good night's sleep in years.
Saturday, 1 April 2017
Wigs
If I ever need a wig I won't have to go very far. I sell wigs and hairpieces for a living and have done so for 15 years. I've tried many on, usually when friends are here and we fall about laughing at how terrible we all look. I can't imagine wearing one but if the need arises I will have to.
My dad died 22 years ago. It was a huge shock. We were told he had cancer one Friday and he died the following Friday. I noticed more of my hair in the brush within weeks of his death but didn't link dad's death to my hair loss. After 3 months, my hair was looking quite fine and flyaway. I got some clip in extensions and managed to bulk out my hair. I've done this off and on ever since because the first sign of any stress sends my hair into free fall again! It's never got so bad I've needed a wig. Needless to say, my own hair loss problems lead me to start up my business.
My hair had recovered sufficiently a few years ago that I didn't need any help with it. That was until my husband was driving to work from our very rural barn and a local farmer shot at the car. My closest neighbour's wife came over to tell me that the car door has been blown off. I tried to ring my husband. The phone just went to answerphone and it continued to do that for the next 2 hours. I couldn't find out if he was alive or dead. I was also ringing my neighbours husband who had clearly drove up and was confronted by what had gone on, but he was cutting my calls off, so to say I was fearing the worst was an understatement. Eventually, my neighbour got her husband on the phone and he put my hubby on the phone to me. The farmer had obviously had some sort of breakdown. He was in the lane with a gun, my hubby had tried to get the gun off him. The farmer eventually killed himself. It was all very shocking. Needless to say, a few weeks later I noticed my hair coming out again and it's never really fully recovered this time. I also got psoriasis which my GP put down the the same event. Incidentally, the door of the car was not blown off. It had bullet holes in it though but hubby wasn't hurt.
Wigs today are fantastic. They are nothing like the ones you see the old ladies wearing in the checkout at Sainsburys! Believe me, I've been behind some people wearing a wig and it looks like a bird has tried to make a nest out of it but this gives wigs a bad name because I can't even tell sometimes if someone is wearing a wig or not.
Usually, people who have never worn a wig and find themselves in need of one will ring up and say they want a human hair wig. Everyone thinks that human hair wigs will be far more realistic and look like their own hair but this really isn't the case. Human hair wigs are notoriously difficult to deal with and once washed, they are a nightmare to get back into style. The wig won't stay on the head to be blow dried and unless customers have a hairdresser they can rely on to do it for them or they are very good with their own hair, I'd avoid them quite honestly.
One of my customers went into hospital for a hysterectomy and decided to wear her wig for the op. She woke up with it on her face! Another customer went in the sea with hers on and watched as a wave washed it clean off her head and took it away into the distance. The good news is that these stories are few and far between The customers are able to laugh about it eventually!
Fortunately, these days there are wigs for everyones taste. They even do some now that are measured to the head and made in such a way they suction on to the scalp which means you CAN go swimming without fear the wig will come off. And if someone really doesn't want to wear wigs (and they are not for everyone) there are some amazing scarves, hats and turbans. You can even get fringes to put under the hats and scarves to give the illusion that there is some hair there.
As you can imagine I've spoken to lots of people having cancer treatment over the years. Some stick in my mind. One was quite early on and the reason I remember it so well was that the customer was a young girl, only 21. I'll call her Sarah. She bought a few wigs off me and we always had a chat or she would email and let me know how she was. Sarah told me once that her dad had called round to her house during her cancer treatment and had lovingly put loads of daffodil bulbs and other spring flowers in the garden for her. He had said "you will be alive in the spring to see them all come through'. That one sentence has made me cry more than most things in my life. I've told other people about it and I've cried every time I've tried to repeat it and I've cried again now typing it. I bet her dad cried with every bulb he planted. The emails from Sarah eventually stopped and she didn't order from me again. I hoped she was well and didn't need any wigs but I often thought about her and wondered if she was OK. I feared the worst. Eventually it all got the better of me and I sent her an email not knowing what to expect. She replied with a photo attached of her on her wedding day looking absolutely stunning. She was a beautiful girl. In the photo she had one of my wigs on but she went on to explain that her own hair had grown now and she was cancer free.
Some thing make your heart sing.
My dad died 22 years ago. It was a huge shock. We were told he had cancer one Friday and he died the following Friday. I noticed more of my hair in the brush within weeks of his death but didn't link dad's death to my hair loss. After 3 months, my hair was looking quite fine and flyaway. I got some clip in extensions and managed to bulk out my hair. I've done this off and on ever since because the first sign of any stress sends my hair into free fall again! It's never got so bad I've needed a wig. Needless to say, my own hair loss problems lead me to start up my business.
My hair had recovered sufficiently a few years ago that I didn't need any help with it. That was until my husband was driving to work from our very rural barn and a local farmer shot at the car. My closest neighbour's wife came over to tell me that the car door has been blown off. I tried to ring my husband. The phone just went to answerphone and it continued to do that for the next 2 hours. I couldn't find out if he was alive or dead. I was also ringing my neighbours husband who had clearly drove up and was confronted by what had gone on, but he was cutting my calls off, so to say I was fearing the worst was an understatement. Eventually, my neighbour got her husband on the phone and he put my hubby on the phone to me. The farmer had obviously had some sort of breakdown. He was in the lane with a gun, my hubby had tried to get the gun off him. The farmer eventually killed himself. It was all very shocking. Needless to say, a few weeks later I noticed my hair coming out again and it's never really fully recovered this time. I also got psoriasis which my GP put down the the same event. Incidentally, the door of the car was not blown off. It had bullet holes in it though but hubby wasn't hurt.
Wigs today are fantastic. They are nothing like the ones you see the old ladies wearing in the checkout at Sainsburys! Believe me, I've been behind some people wearing a wig and it looks like a bird has tried to make a nest out of it but this gives wigs a bad name because I can't even tell sometimes if someone is wearing a wig or not.
Usually, people who have never worn a wig and find themselves in need of one will ring up and say they want a human hair wig. Everyone thinks that human hair wigs will be far more realistic and look like their own hair but this really isn't the case. Human hair wigs are notoriously difficult to deal with and once washed, they are a nightmare to get back into style. The wig won't stay on the head to be blow dried and unless customers have a hairdresser they can rely on to do it for them or they are very good with their own hair, I'd avoid them quite honestly.
One of my customers went into hospital for a hysterectomy and decided to wear her wig for the op. She woke up with it on her face! Another customer went in the sea with hers on and watched as a wave washed it clean off her head and took it away into the distance. The good news is that these stories are few and far between The customers are able to laugh about it eventually!
Fortunately, these days there are wigs for everyones taste. They even do some now that are measured to the head and made in such a way they suction on to the scalp which means you CAN go swimming without fear the wig will come off. And if someone really doesn't want to wear wigs (and they are not for everyone) there are some amazing scarves, hats and turbans. You can even get fringes to put under the hats and scarves to give the illusion that there is some hair there.
As you can imagine I've spoken to lots of people having cancer treatment over the years. Some stick in my mind. One was quite early on and the reason I remember it so well was that the customer was a young girl, only 21. I'll call her Sarah. She bought a few wigs off me and we always had a chat or she would email and let me know how she was. Sarah told me once that her dad had called round to her house during her cancer treatment and had lovingly put loads of daffodil bulbs and other spring flowers in the garden for her. He had said "you will be alive in the spring to see them all come through'. That one sentence has made me cry more than most things in my life. I've told other people about it and I've cried every time I've tried to repeat it and I've cried again now typing it. I bet her dad cried with every bulb he planted. The emails from Sarah eventually stopped and she didn't order from me again. I hoped she was well and didn't need any wigs but I often thought about her and wondered if she was OK. I feared the worst. Eventually it all got the better of me and I sent her an email not knowing what to expect. She replied with a photo attached of her on her wedding day looking absolutely stunning. She was a beautiful girl. In the photo she had one of my wigs on but she went on to explain that her own hair had grown now and she was cancer free.
Some thing make your heart sing.
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