I appreciate I haven't written anything on the blog for a few months. This isn't because I no longer have cancer in my life. It's always there on a daily basis, but I AM trying to have a year off because I fear what will happen when I go back in what is now 10 months time. Yes, I count off the days.
There is no doubt that life is better. I DO have lots of cancer free time. Silly things happen that bring it to the forefront quite regularly. I dozed off to sleep one afternoon last week and dreamt that my mobile was ringing. When I got to the phone it said 'cancer nurses" on the screen but when I answered the line had gone dead. I woke in an absolute panic and it upset me for days. It sounds really silly I know but the calls from the hospital and the cancer nurses always made my heart stop as the calls generally gave bad news. That part of it all is still clearly etched on my mind. I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone, the fear, worry and anxiety are very difficult to deal with.
Then there is the constant checking of toilet paper when I have been to the loo. This part will never go away I am sure of that but I tell myself it is a good thing because I will spot something early should there be a problem.
My life is still in limbo to a certain extent. Anyone who has not been through a similar situation would never understand what it can be like. I think once you have been told you have cancer, you are never quite the same again, your life definitely changes.
I'm not juicing carrots now. I'm not really juicing anything. I make fresh lemonade and orange juice a couple of times a week which uses around 20 pieces of fruit. I've read that oranges and lemons can cause cancer because of the sugar and also the acid. I've read that it can stop cancer too. The only reason I do it is because I still try to have more fruit and veg and sometimes the only way to get anywhere near 10 a day is to have some juice. I worry about the cancer connections to food but as almost everything you eat that has some sort of cancer connection so it's difficult to deal with. I'm still not having much red meat. I avoid processed meat but it's difficult not to have it at all particularly when we are invited to friends houses and they have cooked for us. I cook Sunday lunch for my family. That's the only time I actually buy either a joint of pork or beef. I probably have bacon about once a month and avoid sausage completely. As it is now bbq weather (and the AGA is off!) I will definitely be having a bit more red meat but it will only be seasonal while the weather is good! Where possible I try to stick to chicken and fish. 2 days a week I try to have vegetarian food. I cannot cut out chocolate which has been my downfall - well - all my life! Chocolate holds a big cancer connection due to sugar.
With all of this going on I haven't lost any weight but then, 10 pieces of fruit would be in excess of 500 calories and that's before eating anything else.
So my life goes on and I try to make the best of it. I dread the letter arriving asking me to go in for the next colonoscopy. It shouldn't arrive until next year meaning I can have a relatively good Christmas without having to worry too much. I guess once the new year is here it will bring with it more anxiety. I daren't even hope for this, but if nothing is found when I go back I will definitely be able to move on with my life. However, what happened to the 3 nodes that were found in my colon? I'm sure they won't have just disappeared and I feel concerned by what they could be doing. These were not mentioned at the last colonoscopy and I regret not asking about them as wondering if they are growing or not can consume me.
Generally, no one mentions cancer to me anymore. My family think everything is fine and my friends avoid talking about it so I go on in my own private little world with my own thoughts worries and anxieties. Fortunately, these bad times are not constant and I can deal with them and life really is quite good right now.
